Fluffy, The Vampire Slayer
by VeggieVamp
Summary: What happens when a bunny rabbit set out on a journey to stop the Cullens from hunting animals? Extreme randomness, one shot story. Full of 'fluffiness' Yes, pun intended.


**Fluffy, the Vampire Slayer**

**(Author's Note: One shot story. If you were wondering where this random idea came from, it was when I was telling Emma about 'Buffy, the Vampire Slayer' and she thought I said 'Fluffy'. So, anyways, enjoy the randomness!)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. (Even though the only part the latter comes in is with the title.)**

There once was a bunny named Fluffy. His mom always had high hopes for him; to become the world's fastest carrot nibbler or the world's fastest sprinter bunny. His siblings all went on to big and successful things, but he was never athletic enough to run or fat enough to eat a whole carrot.

"What am I going to do with you?" His mom sighed one day when he was full grown and still living in his mother's basement. He vowed to get a job; the most unique job of all, so nobody else can compete with him. And what was better than being the first bunny vampire slayer?

The next day, he made business cards, a whole stack of them. It read: Fluffy the Vampire Slayer. He then tossed them up to the wind so they can be scattered across the United States. Then, he went into the costume store to get his supplies. Once armed with garlic and a stake, he sat in his mom's basement, waiting for the first call.

It came three days later. A deer whose mother had been killed by a coven of vampires pleaded Fluffy to help. He immediately took off towards Forks, Washington, determined to rid it of its vampire infestation.

It didn't take him long to find them. They were running through the woods, attacking helpless deer and elk.

"Stop right there!" Fluffy shouted, holding his hands up. They looked around in confusion. There were a lot of them and they were awfully big too.

"Did somebody say something?" A vampire with short, cropped black hair said, looking around.

"Usually, I would have said Alice was insane, but I heard that too." The blonde one said.

Fluffy remembered their names from their conversation. He looked to Rosalie, the blonde one.

"Yes, I said something. You can't keep on killing these animals. Go kill humans if you must, but I am the protector of the animals!" Fluffy squeaked, holding up his stake and waving it about.

The one named Esme cooed as she scooped him up. Fluffy screeched in alarm, but she didn't let him down. "How adorable! A bunny rabbit!"

"I'm a hare!" Fluffy shouted, although he was scared out of his wits now. Please don't let me die, he thought desperately.

"A talking bunny rabbit." The one named Alice said, looking bemused.

"I'm a hare, thank you very much." Fluffy grumped. "There's a very distinct difference, you know." Then, he raised his little paw, carrying the stake and stabbed it into the arm of the vampire holding him. It snapped in two. Uh oh, he thought.

"Did he just stab me with a stick?" Esme asked in surprise.

"Um, yeah. That's pretty strange." Jasper's brow furrowed as he examined Fluffy.

"Cool! A talking bunny dude!" The one named Emmett exclaimed.

"Let me get this straight," Carlisle said, talking to Fluffy, "You want us to stop hunting animals?"

"Great," Rosalie growled, "First we're not allowed to eat humans. Now we're not allowed to eat animals. Before you know it, we'll be hunting lima beans and sipping rutabaga stew." Alice made a gagging noise in her throat.

"That would be much more pleasant for us, thank you." Fluffy said happily, glad that they understood.

"I'm sorry, Mr. ummm, hare? We have to hunt animals because we need blood to survive." Esme told Fluffy.

"If you would like, we'll let you live in our house and everything!" Alice squealed, "We'll play dress up and have tea parties and I'll even give you a pink bow to wear on your ears!"

Fluffy grimaced. Apparently, over the years, the vampires have come up with more effective ways of torture. "Unhand me this instance!" He demanded again in his squeaky little voice. At that moment though, a blur streaked through the air, and that's all poor Fluffy saw before he was sucked dry.

"Hey, guys. What's up?" Tanya asked, apparently having popped in for a surprise visit. "Delicious hare by the way. Tastes exotic." She grinned licking her fingers. Alice tackled her to the ground.

"You killed my pet!" Alice screamed as she punched Tanya in the face.

"Wha -? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know! Get off me!" Tanya yelled as Alice continued to beat her up. "Ow, watch the teeth, will you? I said I'm sorry, you don't have to rip my head off." And she meant that in the literal sense.

"Fine. This has been a weird day. Why don't we just all go back to the house and try some of those blood muffins I baked?" Esme suggested and the others agreed, trudging up to the Cullen house.

"That was weird," Jasper said to Emmett as they each munched on a bright red muffin. Suddenly…

"I speak on the behalf of muffins everywhere because I am Muffy, the vampire slayer!" A squeaky voice called out. Everybody stared at the muffin Tanya was holding.

'First talking rabbits, then talking muffins. What's next? Next thing you're going to tell me birds can talk too." Rosalie scoffed. Carlisle and Edward opened their mouth to speak, but seemed to restrain themselves as they remembered what happened to the last vampire that corrected Rosalie. Let's just say it wasn't pretty.

"Rutabaga stew, here we come," Alice said grimy as she stared at the glaring muffin.

**THE END**

**(A/N: YAY! You have just wasted 10 minutes of your life reading that totally random and nonsensical tale. This should be a parable for children everywhere. So kids, the moral of the story is, if you catch a talking hare, don't drink its blood or Alice will beat you up. That, and don't ever eat blood muffins.)**


End file.
